Restaurant News: Rezzie Bots Poised for Takeover

Sketch of RazzieRezzie (TM) reservation bots, poised for OpenTable takeover

Sketch of RazzieRezzie (TM) reservation bots, poised for OpenTable takeover

We all knew this day was coming—the day when robots enter the mainstream.

But to think that the dawn of the robot would come with advances in automobile engineering or perhaps household servitude—this was a gross mistake. No, our biggest gripe as a species is not driving, nor cleaning the toilet.

The biggest pain in the ass, it turns out, is getting restaurant reservations. As naturally flawed, conscientious beings, humans have a hard time being as competitive as necessary to land the hottest tables in the city. We think too much of our fellow diners, and of our friends waiting in a long line in the cold fog. We needed help. We needed reservation robots.

Now, thanks to a bro-coder in SOMA, the problem is solved.

Diogo Mónica, expert bot coder

Diogo Mónica, expert bot coder

“I hate talking to hostesses,” explained genius coder Diogo Mónica, the man behind the bots. “There’s nothing worse than that moment of negotiation over seating times. If I want to eat at 8, I should be able to eat at 8. This is America, god damn it.”

Mónica first built his bot in response to the obvious presence of bots hiding in the reservation system for State Bird Provisions. Like those before him, his initial interest was  in eating fried quail at whatever time he wanted. “I was sick of waiting in line for thirty minutes before the restaurant opened. I mean, who has free time at 5 pm?” Plus, he added, “This system basically forced me to eat dinner at 5:30. Who does that?” When he tried to go online to make a reservation for a more desirable hour, he was scared away by the 60 day waiting period and the thought of waking up at 4 am to secure one of the precious few reservations.

That was when he discovered that everyone else was just as spooked as he was. “No one wakes up at 4 in the fucking morning to make a reservation. Not even so-called-foodies. Real foodies like me are too drunk from their dinners the night before to even entertain such an idea. I knew there had to be robots involved,” Mónica explained while throwing another empty paté container onto the towering pile behind him.

Instead of reporting this infraction to the restaurant or the foodie police, Mónica decided to “fight fire with fire.” He built his own rezzie bot, lovingly named RazzieRezzie (TM), to compete with the unnamed hackers.

Then, in a critical move, he shared RazzieRezzie (TM) with the rest of the internet.  Within a matter of hours, the beautifully written bot code spread like wildfire throughout our food-crazed city. Hungry bro-coders filled every table at Rich Table, Hard Water, and Saison that evening. The next day, suspected RazzieRezzie (TM) use was detected in Chicago, New York, and D.C. Thirty-six hours after its appearance, coders were seen hacking into the reservation system for Noma in Denmark and El Celler de Can Roca in Spain.

And they’re not stopping with the world’s greatest restaurants. Mónica explained that he aims to use RazzieRezzie (TM) to nail a table at restaurants that don’t even exist anymore. “I’m gunning for a spot at El Bulli in the next couple of weeks. If anyone can get a table there, it’s RazzieRezzie (TM).”

Mónica emphasizes that his invention is not out to exclude potential diners, but instead to operate as an inclusive, friendly bot.  “RazzieRezzie (TM) is a great equalizer. He makes it possible for anyone with an internet connection and code fluency to get a reservation at the best restaurants in the world.”

But what about those who can’t read code? As Mónica says, “There’s always the Whole Foods salad bar.”