To Drink This Week: Scorpion Bowl

Fun fact: Tiki bars were invented in Oakland. Er, well, they were invented in a part of Oakland that is now located in an Emeryville hell-hole. To go to the original tiki bar, you have to navigate through Ikea, Target, and Pixar studios, and then hike out in to the weird marina area. Good luck getting home.

I’d rather go to the less-original, but still in Oakland tiki bars. Or else just make a tiki drink myself. It is summer after all.

For the über-original tiki experience, make a REAL scorpion bowl:

REAL Scorpion Bowl

REAL Scorpion Bowl

1. Drive south until you get to Death Valley. Step out of car and collect as many scorpions as possible without getting stung. Try to keep them alive and happy as you drive back home. (Hermit crab cages work well.)

2. Find your biggest bowl. Bonus points if it is tiki-themed. Pour in 1-5 ounces of the following liquor: gin, dark rum, 151-proof rum, light rum, and vodka. Add of the boring stuff: an ounce or two of grenadine, a cup each of pineapple and orange juice, the juice of a few lemons, some pineapple chunks, and a few maraschino cherries.

3. If you get tired of all this measuring, just dump the contents of your bar into the bowl and add some juice.

4. Carefully transfer scorpions from cage to bowl.

5. Light the mf-ers on fire.

6. Drink through extra-long neon straws.